The very thought of writing a query used to make my stomach feel as if I’d ridden Alton Tower’s Nemesis twenty times in a row. Sweat would appear on my forehead and I would break into hives at the very mention of the Q word. I would do everything I could to avoid working on mine. But there’s no hiding from it. If you want to get an agent or editor, it’s a must. You better get used to writing them, because this is how you’ll sell your book. And you, indie author, yeah you. Don’t walk away just yet. Don’t think that just because you’re self-published that there aren’t some valuable lessons to be learned from query writing. Learning to capture the essence of your book in a clear and succinct way will help you pitch to your readers and boost sales.
So how do you go from hating writing a query to loving it? It’s all about confidence. It’s about practice. It’s about learning how to write them. Yes, there is a formula, and once you learn it, they are so much easier to tackle. Here are a few tips that I’ve learned along the way.
1) Hook ‘em Danno- and reel them in. Agent and editors are looking for reasons to say no. You have to catch their attention from the first sentence of your query. You want them to WANT to read a partial or a full. It must grab the reader and compel them to read on.
2) It about the Quality of the words you choose, not the quantity. You need to coax the maximum impact out of every sentence so make sure the words you choose to use pack a punch. This way you can cover more information with less words.
3) Stay focused. What do you really REALLY need to know about the story? Don’t get caught up in trying to explain everything. Focus on your main character, the inciting incident, what they want, and what’s at stake. Give enough basic detail so they can understand the stakes of the plot. All the backstory and subtle nuance will come when they read the manuscript.
4) Find some fresh eyes. If you’re feeling stuck, have someone you trust take a look at it. Sometimes you can work on something so long that you can’t see the forest for the trees. Having someone else look at it can spark fresh ideas and lead you in a new direction.
5) Read blurbs from already published novels. Yeah, I know you’ve heard this one before, but it really helps. Looking at examples and trying to emulate how they did it can really help, especially if you’re struggling.
6) Don’t be afraid. Stop hiding and get started. Just put something on the page and start playing with sentences until you get the right combination. It’s a lot of trial and error at first.
I decided to post two examples of my query for Touched by Darkness. The first one is an early draft. The second is my final draft. I thought it might help to show the evolution. It’s a lot of work, but it’s worth it when you start getting some interest. The final draft has led to several requests. Yours can too.
Version 1: Too Much Information
Staying awake is taking its toll on Quinn Taylor. She’s on academic probation, benched from cheerleading, and popping caffeine pills to keep the dark dreams away. To make matters worse, Kerstin is taking over her once perfect life, stealing her boyfriend, Jeff, and taking Quinn’s spot as team captain. Now the dark visitors are growing more powerful. Awake or asleep, these demons materialize everywhere and only she can see them. When the whole school starts spreading rumours about Quinn’s weird behaviour, Aaron, a mysterious boy with a secret ability, comes to her defence. He enters her dreams and seems to read her mind. She wants to tell him about the demons, about unearthly shadows and leathery beasts crouched on her shoulder. But she’s afraid he’ll turn his back on her, that he’ll confirm her worst fear; that she’s crazy.
Aaron Collier has returned from the dead after being in a coma for over a year. Devoid of memories, he’s spent the last three years using his new psychic abilities to piece together his life by invading the thoughts of those closest to him, and he hates himself for it. His whole life is a lie. When a touch from Quinn ignites a mysterious connection and stirs a real memory from his subconscious, he can’t let her go. He’s the light in her darkness and she holds the answer to his past, but can he win her trust and her heart before the demons and Jeff destroy everything? Jeff wants her back. Her demons push her to the edge. Who can she trust? In the end, it’s Quinn’s choice: Love or lies, faith or fear, darkness or destiny.
Version 2: Hook, quality not quantity, clear and focused.
Seventeen-year-old Quinn hasn’t slept in 23 days. Not since the demons killed her Sentinel. Without his protection they freely enter her dreams, whisper of her death and feed on her fears and self-doubt. Now, she’s on academic probation, benched from cheerleading, and popping caffeine pills to keep them away. The demons are ruining her life until Aaron, an amnesiac with a psychic ability, accidentally enters her thoughts. He’s the light in her darkness and she’s the key to his past, but the last thing the demons want is for them to be together. If Aaron remembers his life as Kaemon, Quinn’s dead Sentinel now living inside the stolen body of the boy known as Aaron Collier, their combined power could tip the scales for good. To keep them apart, the demons must convince Quinn that Aaron will turn his back on her, that he’ll confirm her worst fear; that she’s crazy. Quinn must learn to trust her heart before the demons lead her to her death. In the end, it’s her choice: Love or lies, faith or fear, darkness or destiny.
Have a query you’re struggling with? Need fresh eyes? Look to the Hugs and Chocolate community for feedback. Post your query in the comments and lets work together over the next week to make it better. We can all learn from one another.
Courtney Koschel has been writing since she could hold a crayon. She has worked as a journalist, editor, technical writer, and technical editor. Young adult fiction is near and dear to her heart, which is why she writes YA and all of its glorious sub-genres.
Tonia Marie Houston is a mother, writer, poet, bookworm, and blogger. When sheís not chasing her three spider monkeys, she spends her time revising a young adult novel about life after death and second chances. Though she began to pursue her career later in life, she hopes to inspire and motivate other writers to put their best book forward.
This native Texan now lives with her Scottish hubby in North Ayrshire, Scotland, where she wanders the moors in search of William Wallace. She has been a guest blogger on Writer Unboxed and is currently working on the sequel to her YA supernatural novel, Touched by Darkness.
Jamie Raintree writes what she likes to call everyday fairytale love stories, featuring the little moments in life that are truly magical. She lives in Arizona with her husband and daughter and is currently editing her second novel.
Jani Grey is a South African ambivert, writer, reader, optimist, and bacon enthusiast. When her boss isnít looking she writes, revises, or edits YA Urban Fantasies in between work. Sheís sneaky like that. Sheís a NaNoWriMo addict and is currently working on two NaNo novels.
Rebecca Fields is a modern gypsy, roaming from place to place in search of ñ well, sheíll let you know when she finds it. Writing has become a way for her to share her adventures, both real and imagined. Along with her on her journey are her son and an assortment of rescued animals.
Vaughn Roycroft
February 22, 2012 at 10:47 am
Wow, this is great. You, Heather Reid, are the Querymaster! Or should I say, you’ve ‘become’ the Querymaster. Your fresh eyes on mine certainly worked wonders. What a transformation yours went through. I saw it when it leaned toward the first one. Reading the second, I can see why you’re getting requests for your ms.
I feel much better about this. I can now say the Querymaster has helped me with my query letter.
Heather Reid
February 22, 2012 at 12:53 pm
Thanks, Vaughn. I’m so glad I could help! I can’t believe I actually like writing them now.
The first one isn’t bad, but it definantly had too much information in it. It’s hard to stay focused on the main thread and ingnor all sub plots and minor characters. Especially when you feel your sub plot has a major impact on the story.
I’m glad you’re feeling better about yours now. You had a great start, I just helped point you back in the right direction. Back to the heart of the story.
Happy to help whenever you need it, my friend. Good luck! Bonds of Blood rocks! Don’t you forget it. 
bwtaylor75
February 22, 2012 at 11:56 am
I’m your huckleberry! Before we get started, I would like to encourage everyone to *gulp* let me have it. I’m a big boy, I can take it. On with the query………….
Agent X,
(normally I would try to incorporate something personal for each individual agent here)
Heaven physically exists and since the beginning of time angels have flourished, but through constant fighting their numbers have dangerously declined. On her twentieth birthday Mikado Nakamura is about to find out the hard way that she has always been an angel, or at least half of one. She just hasn’t known it yet.
In search of the key to re-entering heaven, a group of fallen angels enlists the help of the vampire nation to hunt and abduct Mikado. After a daring escape that leaves her mother infected and best friend dead, Mikado’s life is forever changed and rests in the hands of her (unbeknownst to her) angelic uncle.
Now Mikado must fight her way through bloodthirsty hordes of feral vampires in order to pass through the gateway to heaven and search for the angelic father she never knew, a cure for her recently turned vampire mother, and the forbidden fruit of knowledge to discover who (or what) she really is before the fallen angels or vampire nation can get their hands on her and the untold power she possesses. As the factions of heaven and Earth converge on the Garden of Eden, Mikado must choose between saving her mother or the angelic race and heaven itself. It’s going to be one hell of a birthday party.
SHADOWS OF EDEN is a 100,000 word work of dark fantasy that is equal parts horror and fantasy (think the Blade films meeting the Prophecy films). This is by no means a religious story, but merely bends the traditional concepts of heaven, angels, and demons with vampire lore into a dark fantasy. Footnote: my vampires were accidentally created by Jesus when he resurrected Lazarus two thousand years ago. I would be happy to send the completed manuscript at your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Brian Taylor
Some thoughts on the last paragraph. I put the whole religious disclaimer in there because I know some people take their faith very seriously and I didn’t want to offend. The footnote I included because nine out of ten agents won’t look at vampires without something original and hopefully that’s original enough.
All querying aside, lovely post Heather. I wondered who would have the guts to throw themselves out there, and figured why not me.
Heather Reid
February 22, 2012 at 12:45 pm
Hi Brian! First let me say a BIG thank you for being the first to share your query.
Awesome!
You’ve got a good start here. The best way to start working on a query is get words on paper. Here’s my two cents for what it’s worth.
The first thing I would say is that you don’t need to incorporate world building. While knowing the numbers of angels is in decline is interesting, It’s not needed here. Get rid of it and start the query here…
Hook:
Twenty year old Mikado Nakamura didn’t know she was half angel. Not until the vampire nation kidnapped her at the request of the fallen angels, killed her best friend and infected her mother with their tainted blood.
(you mention a key to re-enter heaven. Is Mikado the key? Does she know about the key? If so, this could be an important part of your query)
(This is great. Tight and focused. I did a little bit of tweaking but not much)
Now Mikado must escape and fight her way through bloodthirsty hordes of feral vampires, pass through the gateway to heaven and search for the angelic father she never knew, find a cure for her vampire mother, and eat the forbidden fruit of knowledge to discover who (or what) she really is. If the fallen angels or vampire nation can get their hands on her and the untold power she possesses (add what could happen if they get their hands on the untold power). As the factions of heaven and Earth converge on the Garden of Eden, Mikado must choose between saving her mother or the angelic race and heaven itself. It’s going to be one hell of a birthday party.
(I’m just wondering how choosing between the angelic race and her mother would be much of a choice. I would choose my mother. What does Mikado really care about the angelic race? I think the stakes need to be higher in order to make the choice feel like a loose-loose situation. Does that make sense? It might be your choice of words. Use words that pack a punch. Saving her mother or destroying heaven itself and all the good in the world. Something like that.)
I hope this is helpful. If you want to have another go at it and repost, I would be happy to take a look. Does anyone else in the hugs and chocolate gang have comments or suggestions?
Thanks again, Brian, for sharing your query!
bwtaylor75
February 22, 2012 at 1:20 pm
Writing a query is a lot like putting a puzzle together. You may have all the pieces but you don’t know how they all fit together, as you have clearly shown me here. This was actually my fourth revision and I thought it was pretty good. We both know that pretty good won’t get you noticed in the publishing world. So let me thank you for your willingness to share your insight with not only me but all of your readers.
Hopefully we’ll get some more fuel for the query fire.
Jamie Raintree
February 22, 2012 at 8:46 pm
I haven’t had to write a query yet but I can understand how daunting it must be. Probably even harder to finally hit the “send” button!
Heather Reid
February 23, 2012 at 3:36 pm
Oh, gosh, yes! And you never really feel like you’ve nailed it. I think I could revise it another 15 times and it still wouldn’t be perfect.
Thanks for commenting, Jamie. I’ll celebrate with you when you are ready to start the query process. *hugs and chocolate*
bwtaylor75
February 23, 2012 at 2:29 pm
Here’s the latest revision of my query letter (the meat anyway):
Twenty year old Mikado Nakamura had no idea that she was half angel. Not until the vampire nation kicked down her door at the request of the fallen angels, killed her best friend and infected her mother with their tainted blood. The unholy alliance has invented a device that’ll open the gateway to heaven and Mikado is about to unknowingly pick the lock for them. Now Mikado must fight her way through a bloodthristy horde of feral vampires, pass through the gateway to heaven and search for the father she never knew, find a cure for her vampire mother, and take a bite of the forbidden fruit of knowledge to discover who (or what) she really is. If the fallen angels or vampire nation can get their hands on the untold power she possesses, all of humanity will be enslaved and harvested for the most precious resource of all–their blood.
Well, how did I do this time? I took some of your suggestions and married them with my own thoughts to come up with this hybrid version. I think the end result is much better than the first. The second version is shorter but more focused. I find myself wondering if I managed to convey a potent enough consequence. Hopefully the end of the world and becoming blood slaves for vampires is high stakes enough. Thoughts? Comments?
Heather Reid
February 23, 2012 at 3:34 pm
Hi Brian,
Great work.
That’s MUCH stronger. Awesome job! High stakes indeed. I’ll have another look at it tomorrow. Nothing major jumps out at me at the moment. It’s late here in the UK and past my bedtime but I promise to give it a bit more time in the AM.
Rebecca
February 23, 2012 at 9:17 pm
Great information, Heather! Thanks so much for posting such a good article. I’ve been working on my query as I finish this WIP and it’s definitely not pretty – yet. Thanks for sharing
Heather Reid
February 24, 2012 at 10:47 am
I’m glad it was helpful, Rebecca. Feel free to post it here if you want. I would be happy to give you feedback.
Queries are hard! 
Courtney Koschel
February 27, 2012 at 7:52 pm
Why am I just now noticing that I didn’t comment on this? I read it the day you posted it! Bad me. This is wonderful. I actually saw someone asking for query critique, and I’m about to send them your way
Samantha Jean
February 28, 2012 at 5:53 am
Okay, so Courtney K. recommended I post my query here. I read this the other day and didn’t even think to post…go figure. So, here it is:
Dear [AGENT],
I chose to submit my story for your consideration because of your expertise in the young adult genre, and because [personalized tidbit about agent including books or authors successfully represented by agent or agency].
Almost-fifteen-year-old Lilith Butler’s life is a suburban girl’s heaven: perfect grades, loving parents, sister-like girlfriends, and her long-time crush is finally paying attention to her. That is, until the arrival of an uninvited guest two days before her birthday unearths buried family secrets which turn her existence into anything but heavenly.
Accepting she was adopted at birth and lied to ever since is difficult, but believing she’s related to mythological creatures and destined to become one of them? Yeah, right.
But one’s true nature cannot be denied.
Forced to forget her life as a mortal, Lilith goes to live with her father on his farm where she is indoctrinated into the ways of the Vrykólakas, an ancient race hidden from modern human society. It’s far from easy adjusting to life as a tame, blood-drinking immortal, especially with off-limits Devon Green providing constant temptation only a field away. However, denying her desire for Devon is as impossible as ignoring the haunting memories of her former life. Add learning she has a key role to play in the ongoing war for Heaven and has to learn to fight enemies she’s never heard of including demons whose bite means eternal death. And top it off with the risk of capture by Lucifer, the Lord of Chaos, if she ever leaves the protected confines of her family’s farm, and eternity is looking bleak.
Lilith’s unwillingness to embrace her destiny without first finding closure for the past leads her to follow her heart into a battle for more than just her immortal soul.
TÉLOS is a 115,000 word work of clean, YA Urban Fantasy, and this is my first novel.
Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
ME!!! That’s it. Thanks for looking. Any advice (compliments/praise/adoration) is welcome.
bwtaylor75
February 28, 2012 at 12:02 pm
How nervous were/are you to submit your query here? You’ve taken the second big step, the first was writing your manuscript.
I’ll let Heather give you the expert advice. Here’s my two cents and keep in mind that I’m a novice too.
Generally most queries are three paragraphs: the intro or hook (the I contacted you because you rep so and so), the blurb (where you describe your manuscript), and the bio or outro (where you give your publishing credits or thank the agent if you are new).
The intro: I would lose the whole expertise line. It comes off as brown nosing whether you intended to or not. Stick with I’m contacting you because you rep so and so becuse you’ll grab the agent immediately. Get right to the point with your query letter. Agents are busy people and don’t have time to waste. Example: I’m contacting you because you represent someone like Becca Fitzpatrick and her tales of romance and fallen angels. You get the picture. The agent will think that you did your homework and read on.
The blurb: I’ll let Heather tackle the blurb and chime in later. Three words sum it up for me: too much information. I know it’s hard to try and squeeze 115k words into a few sentences, but that’s what you ‘ve got to do. Read the blurbs from all the books around your house. How does yours stack up? Every writer has struggled with queries, so don’t get down on yourself. Learn everything you can about them and become better. It took me months to get the one that Heather picked apart but I learned that my query mirrored my writing. I was close, but not ready fpr publication yet. Thank you Heather, by the way.
The outro: The fact that this is your first novel is irrelevant. An agent would read that and the red flag would go up. Example: TELOS is 115,000 word work of YA Urban Fantasy in the vein of Hush, Hush (use italics for the title) by Becca Fitzpatrick. As per the current submission guidelines, I have pasted X-amount of pages below (whatever the agent’s website specifies). Thank you for your time and consideration. I don’t know if your book is like Ms. Fitzpatrick’s, but you get the general idea. It gives the agent somewhere to place your book. I’m talking about the kind of market for your book as well as the content.
Samantha, re-read what you’ve written and try to think like an agent and not an author. Would you be willing to stake your reputaion on this query? That’s what an agent does every time they sign a client. Often times writers don’t take the time to think about the agent’s perspective. We just want someone to love our work. An agent is going to look at your query and equate it to your manuscript. If the query needs work then they will assume that your manuscript needs work too. We many not think that’s fair, but that’s how it is.
There are two totally free e-guides that can help you by YA author Elena Johnson and literary agent Noah Lukeman. I don’t want to post the links because this isn’t my blog. Just search for the two of them. You’ll get a good idea of how a writer writes a query and how an agent views a query letter. If you can’t find them let me know and I’ll hook you up.
I hope this helps.
Maybe the Hugs and Chocolate gang can get an agent to blog about queries for us. Just a suggestion ladies.
Heather Reid
February 28, 2012 at 2:02 pm
Hey, Samantha! Thanks for posting your query. I takes a lot of courage to share. And thank you, Brian for commenting as well.
Brian is right that you’ve got too much information in your query as is. You should have seen my first draft, I was the same! It’s natural to want to try to explain your story and it’s not easy to sum it up in a short paragraph. But it can and must be done. Don’t be discourage though. I think it’s necessary to start with a lot of info and then cut it down. I’m STILL tweaking mine here and there with every submission.
As Brian said, Agents don’t have a lot of time and they want to feel hooked right away.
Here are my suggestions. They are just suggestions. Please use what you like and ditch the rest. I hope this will give you some fresh ideas on how to strengthen and shorten the query. You know your story way better than I do, so take what I’ve suggested and build on it.
Amost-fifteen-year-old (Don’t say almost. Just say 14 or talk about her 15th birthday party within the query.) Lilith Butler’s life is a suburban girl’s heaven: perfect grades, loving parents, sister-like girlfriends, and her long-time crush is finally paying attention to her. (we don’t need to know this in the query. Focus on the main theme) That is, until the arrival of an uninvited guest (Who is the univited guest? Be specific.)two days before her birthday unearths buried family secrets which turn her existence into anything but heavenly.
Accepting she was adopted at birth and lied to ever since is difficult, (subplot doesn’t need to go in the query) but believing she’s related to mythological creatures and destined to become one of them? Yeah, right.
But one’s true nature cannot be denied.
Forced to forget her life as a mortal, Lilith goes to live with her father on his farm where she is indoctrinated into the ways of the Vrykólakas, an ancient race hidden from modern human society. It’s far from easy adjusting to life as a tame, blood-drinking immortal, especially with off-limits Devon Green providing constant temptation only a field away. However, denying her desire for Devon is as impossible as ignoring the haunting memories of her former life. Add learning she has a key role to play in the ongoing war for Heaven and has to learn to fight enemies she’s never heard of including demons whose bite means eternal death. And top it off with the risk of capture by Lucifer, the Lord of Chaos, if she ever leaves the protected confines of her family’s farm, and eternity is looking bleak. (way too much information in this paragraph. Too much world building and isn’t needed. Stay focused on the meat of the story.I would cut most if not all of it.)
Lilith’s unwillingness to embrace her destiny without first finding closure for the past leads her to follow her heart into a battle for more than just her immortal soul. (Like the ending. I tweaked it a bit to hopefully make it stronger)
Here’s what I came up with, use whatever you like and ditch the rest.
Lilith Butler doesn’t know she’s destined to become a mythological creature. (What kind of creature? Mermaid? Minitour? Unicorn? Be specific.) not until (univited guest..again be specific about who this is) shows up to unearth the families buried secrets. She doesn’t want to be a mythological creature. She doesn’t even believe they exist. All she really wants it to hang out with her two bff’s, experience her first kiss at her 15th birthday party, and be normal. But she can’t deny her own nature. It’s up to her to defeat Lucifer, the Lord of Chaos. If she doesn’t (what could happen?) To do this, Lilith’s must except her past, embrace her destiny, and follow her heart into a battle for more than just her immortal soul.
I hope this helps! Feel free to post the revised version if you want. Thanks for stopping by.
Heather Reid
February 28, 2012 at 2:04 pm
Thanks for the suggestion about getting an agent to blog about queries. Great idea, Brian!
Samantha Jean
February 28, 2012 at 2:59 pm
You know, I wasn’t nervous at all to submit my query here. Well, maybe a little because I really wanted it to be loved, but I’ve been working on this stuff for so long now. I’m just ready to make my dream a reality and will gladly accept any help offered my way! Thanks Heather and Brian!
I guess deep down, I knew it was too wordy. My original query was so short, I thought it needed beefing up. Obviously, that wasn’t the right way to go either. Here is my (tweaked) original. I used a variation of Nathan Bransford’s Query Mad Lib to create it. I thought it was too short with not enough info, but maybe I was wrong.
Dear Mr./Mrs. Agent,
I am submitting my story for your consideration because you represent (so and so in the YA genre or just state because you are currently accepting YA submissions).
Forced to forget her life as a mortal, 15-year-old Lilith Vrykólakas is thrust into a hidden society of immortals where she must learn to fight an ancient evil or risk capture by her enemies, but Lilith’s past continues to haunt her and unwilling to embrace her destiny without first finding closure for the past leads her to follow her heart into a battle for more than just her immortal soul.
TÉLOS is a 115,000 word work of clean, YA Urban Fantasy.
Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.
bwtaylor75
February 28, 2012 at 3:34 pm
That’s better but it stil needs some zing. Right now you’ve got a plain cake without any chocolate frosting. We all know cake is better with frosting! Try incorporating some of Heather’s ideas with yours and see what you can come up with. Good luck!
Heather Reid
February 29, 2012 at 1:45 pm
Hi, Samantha. That’s much better.
I would use the shorter version and bulk it up a bit. Not too much though. You need to find an medium between the first one and the second one.Here are my thoughts:
Forced to forget her life as a mortal, 15-year-old Lilith Vrykólakas is thrust into a hidden society of immortals where she must learn to fight an ancient evil (be specific. Is this Lucifer, the lord of chaos? Say that. Much more exciting than just saying ancient evil) or risk capture by her enemies (not neede) (are the stakes higher than being captured? Show us.) , but Lilith’s past continues to haunt her and unwilling to (change to) Lilith can’t embrace her destiny unless she makes peace with her past. She must follow her heart into a battle for more than just her immortal soul. ( The last line needs more impact and needs to be more specific. What else is at steak? What’s more important than her immortal soul? )
It’s not easy to write a query, but every draft will bring you closer. I think you can incorporate a little more info here. Choose high impact sentences that convey a lot in as few words as possible. Feel free to rewrite and post again if you want. I hope you feel my comments are helpful. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Thanks for posting!
Samantha Jean
February 29, 2012 at 2:01 pm
Definitely helpful! Thanks so much guys. I agree the short one needs beefing up, and I really like your suggestions as to how. Taking a break for a day or two on the query thing to let the juices stew.
And Brian, thanks for the website suggestions. I had actually bookmarked them before but never got around to reading them. Lots of good info on those two sites.